I'm In the Band

Being a girl in a band isn't always an easy thing: the doorman assumes you're someone's girlfriend or just a fan or groupie of the band. The first thought that crosses their mind is never: "She must be in the band." 

In my goth band: Disco Hospital

I have been in a variety of bands: goth, folk, glam, rock. And though I am usually the lead singer, I have also provided accompaniment as a tambourine player (which I dislike), cellist, background vocalist and few other musical tidbits. And the reaction is always the same as I wander backstage to sip on some tea before performing or to have a shot of whiskey with the rest of the band: "Doors aren't open yet." or "Your boyfriend will have to come outside if you want to see him." Well...I don't particularly care. I'm in the band.

Creem City on the streets of Los Angeles

What is it about being a female that your being in a band is that unfathomable? And why is rocknroll such a male dominated scene except for the positions of groupies or band-aids?  And when I am in a band as frontwoman I am expected to wear skimpy outfits and be a sex object. How about: I am a confident, strong female with a set of vocal chords that matches? Because that is the case. 


And in photoshoots, I was always asked to be up front and the focus. But isn't my lead guitar player just as important or my drummer who holds the band together?  I remember when in Disco Hospital, my bass player actually asked "why aren't I in the front?" We all kind of chuckled, but it's actually a valid question. I do realize that the audience needs one member to identify with the most and it's easiest that that person is the lead singer. But as the only female in a band full of men, it becomes a matter of being a sex symbol or a musician.  I have played countless shows where I have noticed men trying to look up my skirt; they were foiled, of course, because they aren't aware of the boy shorts that I always wear to avoid such embarassing/perverse situations.

BUT the look on their faces when you can actually sing is rewarding enough to go through it all again. The doormen looking around the corner to see who that is, the sound guys sheepishly apologizing for having said that you probably couldn't sing loud enough to be heard over the guitars, the audience seeing you as a musician and not just an attractive piece of eye candy.

Being a musician and a member of a band is about the creative process, the release of tension whilst on stage, the networking, the fashion, the emotional outlet, and having your music reach others. I can't wait for my next musical venture - whatever that may be. One thing is for certain: I am not just with the band, I am in the band.

Here is my last band's music video. I hope you enjoy.

 

xoxo

Muse or Human?

There seems to be not much of a defining difference in my relationships between girlfriend and muse. Or even just the different between muse and a human being. I’m absolutely guilty of using lovers and friends as fodder for my own short stories or stream of consciousness writings, but even then I recognize that they have feelings and that they may dislike being illuminated by certain shades of limelight.  But I have also been on the other side of the coin. I have dated musicians and artists and writers and they all look to me as some sort of inspiring being, a muse, an object that exists solely to help them create. 

I realize that the great artists had their muses, but they were only used as a muse…never was the artistic relationship merged with one that was a romantic or serious partnership.  It’s nice to hear a song written about or to wander into someone’s apartment and see an outline of you on an easel in the corner. It’s somewhat flattering to see your picture next to an artist’s work area and your curls finding their way onto the heads of the females in his work. But it’s also an wonderful feeling to dance with someone until the wee hours of the morning without trying to find a story in it, to hold someone’s hand without memorizing the lifelines for a sketch later that evening, or to look into someone’s eyes without interpreting their life story for your latest slow song.  So where is the line drawn between to inspire and to love? And who gets to create my story: you or me? I certainly don't need a ghost writer.

You can't go wrong with Dead Boys. You just can't.

Here’s something a wrote a bit ago after coming home from a show where most of the songs played were about me by my “boyfriend” on the stage:

Sometimes I feel more like a muse than a human being
Everyone looks into my eyes and finds the inspiration
the ideas that they could create
and they take them, not leaving much for me to use
the soul is dry and cracked with your moisture feeding me
A parasitic relationship that I am not sure when to call quits
You just keep gnawing at my inspirations
to write your songs, paint your paintings, write your words
What am I left with?
The words that you write about me, the melodies that came from my curls, and the paintings that came from the colors in my words
I am floundering and left with a scant amount of pure creation
Everything seems recycled
Everything seems like something you wanted
Not needed, nothing I gave to you willingly
But something you took without asking
I caught you
thinking and looking into my eyes
And wondering what piece of my being would inspire you today

xo